Skating

Felicity looked at the box, unsure how she felt about it. It wasn’t that she didn’t feel emotional, but rather there were so many running through here she was overwhelmed by them all.

She was excited, they was something she’d wanted as a child and now she finally had them. There was joy there too, a simplistic happiness at getting something fun. Childlike in a way she’s not been able to experience before, even in her childhood. 

She also felt slight embarrassed for being this excited by something so childish. She was a thirty-two year old woman excited over a glorified toy.

There was a shame there too, that this was the first time she’d felt so excited by a gift, even if it was one she’d bought herself. A shame that she hadn’t had the kind of childhood that allowed her these simple joys. And as she was becoming more aware through therapy of the impact her upbringing still had on here there was a shame in feeling some of the emotions, like embarrassment when her rational brain understood the need for this gift. 

Felicity was angry. She didn’t expect that, it felt raw and hot if she probed it, like the centre of a lava cake ready to explode with one wrong prod. She was angry at the world for the childhood she’d had, angry at her parents in particular for this. Her anger was something she’d always been taught to surprise but she remembered the words of her therapist, anger was the part of herself that cared, that knew she deserved better. It was the part of her that understood the unjustness of her life before her brain or heart even could. She tried to accept the anger, let it blend with the rest of her emotions, to let herself feel it but not act on it. 

There was a fear too. What if she’d built this think up too much in her head? What if it didn’t live up to her expectations? Realistically they were fairly high. And what if the dream of them was more beautiful than the reality? With a deep breath she shut her eyes and slid open the box. Another deep breath and she unscrunched her face, one eyelid fluttering open marginally. She spied a glint of shiny silver wheels and lilac leather which was enough to open her eyes and look at the roller skates. They were beautiful. As beautiful as she imagined. And if the skates themselves lived up to the fantasy then she felt more confident that the dream of skating freely would too.